Maybe I am just still.

I think that I have always experienced pleasure in a different way, but I don’t know if that is because I feel like I have everything that I need in the world or if it is because everything that has ever affected me seems to go away eventually. Those things come back at different times, but they have been so common that they became a part of who I was. What did that mean to me? Maybe it meant that I was still trying to figure out who I was supposed to be. Those things, those emotions, take over at times and I just sit and wait for them to pass.

I asked myself what exactly did it mean to be displeased if pleasure might have meant having everything that I needed in the world. Maybe it was a feeling that couldn’t be defined because when I am in the moment of displeasure, I feel like something is missing. I wonder if that feeling of displeasure ever disappears or if there is always a layer of undefined emotion that does not ever really have an answer. I guess I have always thought that I found pleasure in everything because I used to understand who I was. 

Maybe I shouldn’t call it pleasure. Maybe I am just still; and I am breathing; and I am awake. The voice comes from within as I experience the exterior of myself. Maybe it’s all too much to understand, but I couldn’t help but question what all of this was. Why did I feel like I needed to understand if I was all of those things all of the time? Maybe I shouldn’t focus on emotion, but do I really want to distance the voice that no one ever hears?

Over time, I learned to accept changes, sometimes without realizing it; but it seems that anything that I had experienced, somehow always felt right. Maybe that’s because everything happens for a reason. When I learned to accept life as it happened, even when I felt myself breaking apart, it has always been fate alone guiding me where I needed to go. I began to realize that as I began to break apart.